Saturday, June 23, 2012

I Was Only A Child.........

I wrote this quite a while ago but have never been able to press the "Publish" button because I was afraid.  Afraid of what people would think.  Afraid of what people would say.  Afraid I would offend somebody. Afraid I would hurt somebody. I don't want to be afraid anymore.  It is not really my goal with this to change people's hearts or minds about such a sensitive topic, only the LORD can do that.  I only want to tell what has been on my heart for so many years now.  I believe this may make some people angry. I hope anyone who reads this can realize that this is my story.  I didn't create it with the intention of making anyone feel any certain way or to start a political or moral debate.  This is my story.  That's all.  

I was lied to.  I had more than one abortion before I realized the truth. They were people, my children, separate human beings created in the image of God with their own blood type and unique DNA and brain waves and they could feel pain and they needed me.  They were not just a part of my body that I could choose to dispose of.  They were my children.  They depended on me to survive like all children depend on someone to show them love and meet their physical needs.  I did not realize this truth until years later and now I live knowing that I payed to have my children murdered by a doctor that could "help" me by ripping them apart and removing them from my body.   My body was the only place that they should have been completely safe from the world.  I wish someone had told me the truth - that killing my children was a sin; that they were my children and although I was still a child myself, they depended on me.  I was all they had in the world and I was the one that decided they did not deserve a chance in this world.

It is a decade later and I am a mother of 4 now, all unplanned, and I can honestly say I do not regret a single second of my children's lives, inside or outside the womb.  I am only sorry I didn't understand sooner that the gift of being a mother came not through being financially prepared for a baby, or through planning the perfect time to fit a child into the life I wanted, but through finding the ability to put the life and needs of another person ahead of my own. It breaks my heart that our world gives us, gives children, the *choice* over life and death of our unborn children and they tell us it is OK. We have guilt and regret for a reason; we are doing something unnatural, inhuman.

I do not think that having an abortion makes someone a terrible person. I don't think I am a terrible person.  Just a naïve and selfish one.  Yes, I was once naïve  and selfish; I was a child.

I was naïve to think that by getting rid of the "problem" everything would be OK. It's not. It never will be. I was naïve because I was so willing to believe what the world was telling me. I believed that it is my body and I have a right to do what I want with it. I believed that this wasn't really a baby but more like a part of my body that I had control over. I believed that graduating high school and college and getting a good paying job for myself would make me happy and that making myself happy was the most important thing to consider. I believed that I couldn't attain that happiness if I went through pregnancy and had a baby. I believed all these lies; I was a child.

I was selfish because I thought I had a right to life more than my own children. I was selfish because I never considered the fathers' feelings. Not even for a second. I was selfish because I didn't stop having sex after the first abortion knowing that birth control had failed me already. It was all about me. I was so selfish; I was a child.

I was a naïve and selfish child being told by my world that it was OK. No, more than OK. It was my right and it was the right thing to do.  Only now I’m not so naïve and I am not so selfish and I regret what I’ve done.

I had an abortion, and I am sad about it. But I can't say that. That is something shameful.  Something that must be kept hidden.  Nobody wants to hear about it.  We say abortion is OK.  It is our right; But don't talk about it.  We have cable television and radio shows talking about sex, drugs, birth, and everything in between; but never tell people you had an abortion.  We speak of it being a fundamental right of women; but please, do all of us a favor and keep it to yourself.

Maybe we are afraid of having the truth exposed and being forced to face it.  I know it's scary to face the truth when you have allowed yourself to believe the lies for so long.  I was afraid.  But the truth is more important than our fears.

***I am OK now because I have found forgiveness, grace and truth through Jesus Christ.  I am still sad, but I won’t condemn myself anymore.  I will live knowing that I have been given a new life in Christ.  I am HIS child; and he intends for me to live in abundance, not shame.***